In Nikki's Blog

It’s been 6+ months since my son’s Autism diagnosis. I can honestly say that most days it never even surfaces in my brain. Most days I don’t even think about it. And some days, I even question it by looking at all the progress he’s made in such a little time. From eating, transitioning, talking and just general love for everything around him. He’s a happy kid and truly has a love for people that runs deep. These are the days I question the diagnosis and the place it has in Brody’s life.
 And then….out of nowhere…a meltdown comes and smacks you square in the face. The Autism strikes in full force and you watch your child go through something that you can’t control….and you defintely  can’t make go away. You just do……something, anything. And what worked last time isn’t working this time. So you try something new….and fail. The techniques that you’ve been educated on aren’t working. For an hour your entire world is flipped upside down and the grueling reality of Autism is back, full force and it’s taking over your child. These are the days I’m certain of Autism and the agonizing role I watch it play in Brody’s life. 

From the screaming, sweating prefusely, repetive sounds, biting his arm, shaking, more screaming and tears. Lots and lots of tears. Hugging him to calm him down as he grabs your hair. Not grabbing to be vicious but grabbing because it’s there and he can alleviate pressure on any level. And all of this happening with little to no warning sign. In the blink of an eye his little brain struggles to communicate. By this point, he’s shut down. The screaming…..oh the screaming continues. It feels like it will never stop. 

And then some time has passed…the screaming has disapated and the meltdown has dwindled down. An episode of Mickey Mouse has caught his attention. His mind slowly focuses to the hot dog dance and all is right in his world again. And just like that the meltdown has concluded. The infectious smile returns and all is right in his world. 

These days are exhausting. Not all days are like this and like I said earlier, they are few and far between. But on these days imparticular, I’m reminded of the magnitude that this disorder takes on my son. I’m reminded of the daily struggles his little brain gives him and saddened beyond words that I can’t fix it. And on these days…

I despise Autism and all the baggage it brings with it on my little boy. 

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