This weekend Brett and I went to hang out with friends for a kid free, stress free day. We were both looking forward to it and excited to spend time with some of our favorite people we don’t get to see very often.
A couple weeks after school got out in May, I had a couple of bad days that turned into weeks and when I finally realized the funk I was in, it was too far gone. You see thats what anxiety does, you get a handle on things and because life is the way it is, unexpected things arise and you are left in survival mode.
That’s how I have been feeling the entire summer. I would have good days, days that were just great, but then I would feel down. I just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t shake the awful feeling that was in the back of my head constantly. In my mind at that time, there was no reason that I should be feeling like that.
I honestly just kept moving forward and trying to put one foot in front of the other to keep pushing on so that I could try and truly shake whatever it was that was going on. The problem was that I knew something was up but I didn’t know what it was exactly and to be honest I didn’t want to try and figure it out because I was so stinking annoyed by the way I was feeling. So, ignoring and moving on is what I did. And I’m pretty darn good at it! But as I did that, I found myself continuing to slip deeper and deeper.
On Saturday, the kid free, stress free day we were supposed to be having wasn’t going as planned. I could feel everything inside of me boiling, I could feel it getting worse. But as I said, I’m good at ignoring, so that’s what I did. But on Saturday, it didn’t work.
Guys it finally came out, like a crazy lunatic, the tears came out like Niagara Falls and it just wouldn’t stop.
See this is typical Nikki, this is how I deal with things. I push them off, ignore and try to keep telling myself that I’m fine and then after my body has had enough, it comes flooding out in the ugliest ways possible. And once it starts theres no telling when it will actually stop.
After a lot of self reflection Saturday night, into Sunday morning and throughout that day I knew exactly what had triggered everything. And it wasn’t just one specific thing, it was a list of things that I was just throwing to the back burner and doing anything but focusing on it.
I had gotten in a pretty good rhythm when school was in session. I would get up around 5:30 and get myself ready everyday and get some time for myself in the mornings. The twins went through some sleep regression and sleep wasn’t sleep, it was a necessity. When your kids aren’t sleeping, everything is much more stressful than it should be. So I started sleeping until they woke up and stressfully tried to continue getting myself ready in the mornings. Eventually that was more than enough because of the demands they have upon waking up and I just stopped getting myself ready.
It sounds so weird to say it out loud, but I truly think it’s what lead me to the “funk”. That time in the morning that I had dedicated to myself was a wonderful, fresh start to my chaotic days.
I have become so much of a routine person just because of the way our life is. Once the routine is established, my entire family thrives off the predictability that the schedule brings and we are all are just better for it.
But this is so typical Nikki, one thing runs off course and it’s like a domino effect to everything else.
The other thing that I realized was that I had never truly dealt with the new medical news that had popped up. The heart conditions that have come to light and also the newest seizure news from our most recent appointment.
There is just so much that I sometimes get overwhelmed and instead of dealing with the issue at hand, I ignore it because I don’t even know where to start. Where do I even begin to process when thee is a laundry list of things to tackle? It makes my head spin and that’s prime time for me to ignore and pretend like everything is completely ok.
I have worked so hard on myself over the years and I think the most annoying piece of all this is the fact that I was in such a wonderful place for a a long time. But I was working at it constantly, I was self reflecting and handling it. And then, I stopped and fell out of the habit because…well life happened.
I’m not a crier. I’m not an overly emotional person. I don’t just cry as a reaction to things that hurt. It’s just not me. But I can tell you what, when the breakdown starts, it’s as though I could fill a lake and good grief it’s not pretty. But I know that it’s my way to fully release and allow the feelings of hurt and sadness to be truly felt.
Sometimes I feel so alone in this journey and sometimes I feel wonderful and ready to climb Mount Everest and shout from the top! I think it’s just a part of the journey and like anything I need to remind myself that I’m not the only person who has ever gone through unforeseeable circumstances. I’m not the only person to not have full control of my emotions and my life. And maybe that’s the biggest problem of all is that I need to stop trying to control it all.
I have so much growth ahead of me and I know that I will continue to make gains but I also have to understand that there will be these types of times and I have to do my best to learn from the past and try to cope…better.
I don’t know what the future holds.
I don’t know much.
But I do know that it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. It’s ok to be down and have some rough patches.
But I know that I have 4 people to fight for and are my drive every single day.
My favorite bible verse was used at church in the message yesterday and I know that there was a reason for that.
“For I know the plan I have you declares the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11